This family isn’t much of one. I want my own.

There’s a bunch of things that I want to blog about, like my run in with Singtel and the grief I’m getting from home.

In fact I just had a heated discussion with my mum over getting married. From this incident, the fact that it helped make me realise how much I’m being sidelined and marginalised by my parents at home made things worse for me. I really wanted to pen down my thoughts cos it’s really making feel very angry about everything. Oh god, I’m so angry that I can’t believe I’m putting up with this kind of shit at home.

I wish I was at the point where I can earn my own keep and get my own place etc. Not even a HDB, a private one at that.

I really want to get out of this family, or whatever it is called cos I don’t feel like family at all. It’s damn sad, it’s sabishii like my girlfriend says it.

Anyway, I don’t want to blog about it now, but in a nutshell, for all the times my mum says she’s being fair to everyone and all that bullshit, she doesn’t do what she says. And it’s FUCKING plain obvious. If she did, she would have considered how I have always been serious about things and not let THAT FUCKHEAD LAZY BASTARD OF A BROTHER HAVE HIS WAY AS AND WHEN HE WANTS. KANINABE CHEEBYE. I can’t believe how 2 siblings in a family can have so differnt fates and lives. Seriously, I won’t cry for him.

Fuck me, I’m a screwed child.

A griefing update

It’ s been eternity since I last blogged and I guess I should blog about some of my latest happenings. After this is a terribly stressful year, and this period has been extremely filled with activities and lots to think and plan about.

For a summary, I am extremely packed at work. I have 3 active projects, 1 with issues and lots of fire fighting, 1 new client, 2 other which are not that active. My meetings are packed back to back, with me chairing most of them, speaking till my throat goes dry. The work is all done at night, which is ok, after all, my fiance has been working till 2 or 3 am recently. I’d be hanging out at the nearby 24 hour cafe till she’s done, getting me work done.

Then after, we would spend some time discussing the following items:

1. Year end trip to Japan, including my parents meeting hers
2. Her moving in to my place. Which is quite a troubling matter, not because I don’t want her over, but because, I’m going to have a space problem again. If my siblings were worth anything as siblings, i’d like to see my brother offer to switch room with me. Haha, that’s like expecting a winning toto ticket to drop out of the sky.
3. Marriage plans

And these are the main items, not including the nitty gritty things inside, like the PR status and how it will affect the plans, money plans etc. That means I don’t get alot of sleep. I’m lethargic, and going back to my “best friend” to keep me going through the day.

It’s a Sunday and I decided to blog instead of getting work done. I can feel the burn out. I really hope that all I’m doing is worth the effort. If I don’t get the due recognition next year…..

Anyway, aside from all these, I’ve been getting quite a lot of grief which is adding to my already stressful life.

atama o tsukaisugite…

I don’t know how much more I can take before my brain shuts down. I just hope to survive next week’s exam, and hopefully, work can give me a break as well.
I’m so very tired

No time but I got to say…

my girlfriend bought me many goodies from Japan!

I got Yoku Moku again!!!!

Samsung Rocks (NOT!)

In case you are a Samsung phone user and was thinking of heading down to Plaza Singapura to the Samsung Customer Service Centre to have your phone repaired, forget it. That place has been closed and THE FUCKING SAMSUNG SITE DID NOT UPDATE THE DETAILS.

Yes I made a wasted trip, on top of having to put up with a faulty phone. Samsung, you rock.

Disappointment.

It’s a Sunday and I just spent time with my grandmother. Just a simple chat with her after my dinner, like a quick update on my life.

I feel very heart broken each time I chat with my grandmother as she keeps saying how she might not last till I get married.

Of all my family members, I only feel this way for my grandmother. It’s like she’s the only one who really cared for me. It’s sad but somehow, I keep feeling like the rest of my family doesn’t really give a damn.

You know, the middle child syndrome. It’s the same as with the other posts from before.

In any case, I had a quick relapse of this disappointed feeling last night and has a short chat with my fiance last night. It’s not the first time she heard this and in fact, she had felt so saddened by it that she had cried over it before. I agree with her, it’s sad that I should think about my family this way, but unfortunately, it’s something which I am experiencing. It’s hard to just change my mind like that, it’s not like I’m some third party looking at my own life and making comments or advise about it.

Anyway, enough about that. Just wanted to get it out of my system.

Yesterday I changed the layout of my room to make for more space, in anticipation of staying with my parents after marriage, before I get my own place. It’s ironic how things will look like in the future, assuming the scenario that I get married and stay together with my parents, in the smallest room, while my other siblings …….

Seriously, fuck this, I shouldn’t be blogging about these kind of fucked up shit. I’ll just have to keep on working hard towards getting my own place.

Sigh.

Almighty opinions.

It’s been a long while since I last posted but I thought it might feel good to get this out of my system. I really can’t stand having discussions with a friend of mine. Even conversations that I have in jest, he will take it seriously and give his “almighty” opinions.

The worst part is, he keeps insisting his opinion is always right, regardless of any topic under the sun. To the point where I really don’t like to talk to him about anything.

Guess that’s what I really wanted to say.

また。。。。。。。むかつく。

How long has it been since I blogged?

Been too busy trying to get my life back. Work, PR (by the way, applied for PR for my gf last Friday), trying to recuperate from injuries and squeezing in exercises (of which I can really only swim now and that’s more time consuming than running).

Been too busy thinking about getting my OWN life. I really want to get out of this family. Not that I hate them, but I don’t particularly feel any love in it. I somehow have seemed to have grown up with the mentality that my family wants me out. And out I shall go. It’s sad to think this way, but feelings and impressions are relative. You can guess, another round of BS happened this morning, and I told my mum I don’t feel that I’m being treated fairly. Of course you can guess what she had said, but seriously, there’s no point in having that conversation. That’s what I told her since she’d never really understand how I feel and it’d just end up in an argument or endless debate. I just said I’m used to it and just going to live my own life. Period.

And it boils down to that brother of mine again. Whatever lah. I can’t give 2 cents worth of a floppy fuck about him. Perhaps it’s a one sided view but putting together what I know about him, がっかりした.

Anyway, whatever. I don’t want to care anymore how my parents are going to treat me or them. I’ll just do what I need to do to keep my own conscience clear, get my own place and move out and keep it that way.

将来のために。For the future

SERIOUS lack of time.

Projects are all acting up, work is coming in. And I’m in an intensive course that will last till October. Lack of exercise and sleep. Have not touched my Japanese homework and revision. Alot of personal admin stuff yet to be done. Room’s still not done up. Magazine’s and books not read. Artwork collecting dust waiting for me to complete.

Now I’m mainly juggling between planning for work and planning for my future:
Yes, I have proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes.

Apologies for not blogging. I wish I could blog on the fly in my head and then upload it here from my brain. That’d also really help with work too.

In any case, this ends here cos I need to sleep.

This year, I’m quite fucked. All these in a bid for a brighter future. I really hope so.

Hell week.

I am too busy. period.

I thought a course that I was due for got cancelled due to spending freeze. So I had put aside all instructions to do pre-course work and arranged meetings etc etc.

Then I was informed just the day before the course started (Monday) and now I got only 2 nights to memorise all the material.
And this is on top of the work I have to reschedule. Why is this happening now… especially so near to my big May plan…..

Anyway, too busy and stoned. I must admit, started smoking again, though not very hardcore.

Jwitter

In a simple email invitation from a friend to join Twitter, I twittled over to Twitter and started twittering in
Japanese
I thought, why not take baby steps and instead of BLOGGING in Japanese, why don’t I twit in it first (“you twit!” no I didn’t really say that)?
And so I did. And it makes great practice too. Considering blogging in Japanese would take hours of composition, Jwittering takes a minute or less.
I said Jwitter? I guess it’s my new pet phrase for Japanese twittering (of Japanese twits like me)

Abused? Or the lack of fight?

Today I had a rather heart to heart talk with one of my project managers. For some reason, we both managed to find time for coffee out of our hectic schedules.

Or perhaps, it was a rare chance that it was only the two of us. He too had wanted some opinions from me. As we shared our woes, I began to realise and learn more about my own predicament.

By predicament, I really meant my current situation at work. At this point in time, I can’t help but feel that I am in some ways being abused. A year ago, everything would seem like an opportunity and I would charge in with all my energy and enthusiasm.

Now I wonder whether if I would get anything in return in the end. I can’t help but feel that there’s nothing in store for me at the end of the road and that I am nothing more than an easily manipulatable pawn in the bigger picture of things.

Yet at the same time, I am also fully aware that I am expected to take charge of my career, aspirations and goals within my company. So does this mean I need to explicitly tell my manager where I want to be?

Apparently so, as advised by my project manager. I need to be straight forward and decisive on what I want and express this clearly to my manager.

Decisiveness. Hmmmm, something that for some reason I do not have currently especially in terms of my job.

Anyway, it’s another item that I need to think about, adding on to the already troubling amounts of stuff that’s already on my mind (and my nearly 1MB To-Do spreadsheet list)

Hanging out again

Again apologies for the lack of updates recently. What’s new? I’m busy.

A million and one things at work: 5 major projects, need to plan my education for 2 certifications, minor administrative BS etc..

On the personal side, gf’s birthday is coming up. I have my plans more or less thought out, I just need to set it in action. and I have about 2 weeks. OMG!

And then I have yet to start on that new blog. Looks like I have to maintain 2 blogs.

But really, this particular post is to bid a friend bon voyage as he makes his way back to OZ.

Sigh, sure I’d miss him, but we all have to move on. I wish him all the best and in the future, we will all hang out again

Unfortunately, in so many senses

And just as I posted the last note, I checked my mail and again received another annoying mail from my friend’s wife (she’s a part time property agent now…)

So happened it was an advert on a freehold property which I passed by this morning along Holland. I had thought of checking it out this morning out of curiousity but at the back of my head, I had already guessed it’d be out of my reach.

It was with mixed emotions as I saw her mail and advert on that property.

“How coincidental!” I thought.

And as expected, it’s out of my reach.

Then I got pissed, and I suppose that it’s more because of her sending these mails rather than not being able to get that property. Knowing the group we are in (not that none of us in the group can make it to get such property but now seems unlikely), I just wondered what in the world is she thinking sending these mailers out, especially to us.

I know that doing sales means you want to reach out to as many people as possible. But you’d at least take into consideration your target market. Now it’s just pissing me off. Anyway, not that I’d go through her anyway, and neither did I ever had a good impression of her to start with.

Sucks that she’s my friend’s wife.

A new blog, a new job?

Gonna start on that wedding page soon and I realised I won’t be linking it here LOL. So only close friends get to see it, apologies for other readers of this blog.

Meantime, interstingly, I just got a message from an ex-colleague, asking if I would be interested in another job, which (with no further details at this point in time) I think would be extremely challenging.

Hmmmm. Tempted…..

Fairy Tale marriages

As the days pass by, the Day draws near.

And I’ve yet to properly plan. I’ve been working and whatever free time I have, I just want to shutdown. But there’s still so much that needs to be done.

And I still have this ambition of doing up my own website from scratch (and it would be my first attempt at a website too) to document down this whole marriage thing. I’m just thinking of settling for another page on this blog instead (hmmm, but that would mean no photos and anonymity…)

Oh well…. right now as I find time to write this blog, I’m really multi-tasking at doing other mindless things like selecting what songs I would like to have in my iPod (through checking those songs in iTunes). Although I really should be reading up on the HDB website looking up for more information about the flat that my mum was talking to me about this morning….

I wonder where did all those fairy tale marriages went to? Sigh

Note to self – on wedding bells…

Just a thought that crossed my mind today:
I think it would be quite an idea to start keeping track of my wedding plans.

Maybe I shall start a new page on it, to include the proposal plans, the flat-hunting, down to the nitty details that pass through my weird mind (like what kind of toilet I would like).

The Credit Crisis 101

http://crisisofcredit.com/

Link sent to me by a friend. Pretty simple and easy way to summarise the whole credit crisis. And interesting too!

Criticisms are easier said….

Saw this piece of news today on msn.

I just thought I would like to mention how the world reacts in such funny ways.

Some how it’s reminiscent of management too…..

In summary, a  father released a home video of his kid being all drugged up after coming out from GA (general anaesthetic). Then the whole world jumps.

Or nearly the whole world.

My point is, if the father didn’t even take the video in the first place, that incident would still have happened, but I bet those people who are offloading all the criticisms would not have said a thing.

My point now to these criticism loving people, are you even aware of worse attrocities going on around the world?

It feels so ironic.

Love is a journey.

As I was cruising along after dropping my gf home, my thoughts wandered a little and I thought I might want to blog this down.

I was thinking about how time flies. I’m not that young and agile anymore; friends are getting married; friend is leaving Singapore etc etc. Time changes even the stories I tell; stories about myself that no longer was about 1 and a half years ago, but now have become 2 years. Then I thought of my own life, and how it seemed only like yesterday while I was still having fun and partying like no tomorrow, meeting girls and flirting with them; falling in and out of love…

At which point, I thought about this “falling in and out of love” and realised that, back then, I have had a huge load of crushes, but not much love at all. If any, it was lust. And then I felt ashamed to have even dared mention “Love” back then. I kid you not but while I was in the car, I seriously felt awful, like as if I had desecrated a sacred principle of mine.

And I recalled all the pretty drawings which I had drawn, almost one for every girl I have met. It’s great in a way that the emotional energies were put to great creative use, but yet, I don’t want to say they were inspired by love.

But perhaps the whole thing was a journey. And only now with my current girlfriend that I have realised it. Like a child discovering the world for the first time, he doesn’t know what a rose looks like till he sees the real thing. And so as I walked along, I learned that each flower wasn’t a rose till the real rose comes along. It might still be early to say that I have found love, but for sure I’ve learned that it’s a journey. And I can raise my head high to say that, to everyone before, it sure wasn’t love

ps. As a guy, I think it’s fair to lust, as long as you don’t do anything about it. I’m sure the girls do it too